A significant aspect of my spiritual practice as a Radical Mystic is conscious relationship. I believe God is in everyone. I use relationship as a way to deepen my experience of the Sacred in All of Life and deep, abiding love. I also use it to deepen my spiritual and psycho-emotional growth.
One of my radical relationships is with my partner, Eros.
I spent 20 years desperately seeking a partner who would match my capacities for love, intimacy, communication, and conscious evolution. Someone who would share love and relationship as a spiritual practice, one that connects us to the Sacred and provides the safety in which to bare our wounds and illuminate our shadows so that we can heal and grow. Someone who would be a partner in every way. I experienced a lot of heartache in that search and nearly gave up.
I met Eros 7 years ago this Winter. Friends brought him into the original formation of The Impropriety Society and he was our lead DJ for every single event thereafter. His dedication to his work and to our organization was one of our greatest assets.
I felt Magic with him the first time we met. He had a partner, but they had an open relationship of sorts, so I thought I had a chance at something. I flirted with him, flirted with all the sexy femme strength I could muster, but he never gave me more than a kiss. Not until after his relationship ended three years later. I learned after we started dating that he didn’t pursue other relationships because all of his energy went into helping his addict girlfriend survive.
We hooked up at our first Imps event following their break up. It was early morning, when things were slowing down. He and I locked eyes as I danced in front of the DJ table. I started dancing for him. He took a break and took me to a bed. We had incredible sex, and a ton of laughter, before we had a conversation. It was just that kind of Magic.
I was actively exploring polyamory as a single person at the time we started dating. He was one of several lovers I was exploring possibilities with. Over time the others fell away, until just he and one other remained. I faltered for a bit and stopped dating Eros in order to focus on the other connection, a crazy D/s power exchange that ultimately broke me open in hard, painful and necessary ways. Eros continued coming over for dinner and movies, because we really liked each other’s company. When my heart was crushed by my dominant few months later, Eros was there to help me pick up the pieces. We shifted back into being lovers. It was fun, comfortable and tender, and we had lots of remarkable sex.
But I wasn’t totally in it. I didn’t think it was going to last. I thought Eros was too much into partying and not enough into conscious evolution. I didn’t realize at the time just how much I had shut down after being crushed by so many friends and lovers during my time with the Imps. I was over being vulnerable and generous and giving myself away. I didn’t believe I would find the kind of partner I had dreamed of since my teens. And I didn’t recognize what I had in Eros.
Until we got pregnant and had the baby that we share with the Mamas. He moved in with me and took care of me best he could during the pregnancy, even though it was something he had never wanted and was deeply frightened of. Then he held me as I grieved leaving our son in another city with the Mamas. During all this time he loved and supported my teenage daughter as she transitioned into adulthood.
He showed up.
Every single day no matter what came.
That is a really big deal, because there are a lot of men who don’t show up for their families. There are a lot of men who turn their back on their children. Until Eros, that was the only reality I knew as a daughter, as a mother, and as a wife. He shows up for me, and our son, and my children that are not his, and our son’s Mamas.
He didn’t just show up. He kept trying to do better and be better when things went awry. It turns out he’s fully committed to conscious growth and becoming a more loving person, and supporting me in doing the same.
He forgave me when I was triggered and fought with him. He forgave me when I wouldn’t let him into my heart. He forgave me when I was cranky and critical and controlling about our home space. He didn’t just keep loving me, he kept choosing me. No one has done that before. I have a whole sad story in my past about not being chosen – by my mom, by my multiple fathers, by many lovers.
Eros chooses me. That’s the basis of long term relationship. Choosing each other over and over again as life changes our individual and collective shapes.
More importantly, he chooses Us. The Us that includes my kids that came before him and the child we made together and the Mamas and our partner Camille and all the others we are drawing into our circle of belonging in the present and future.
After living hundreds of miles apart for 6 months, our love for each other has deepened. And inspired us to take greater care with each other because we really appreciate what we have now that we’re together again. We are disarming triggers and learning how to communicate through hard things with kindness and compassion, choosing responses instead of reactions. We are more accepting of the funny quirks and little annoyances. We are kind and affectionate on purpose, every day. We are really listening to each other and supporting each others’ dreams. We are dreaming together – of the home we’ll share, of the community we’ll build, of the experiences we’ll seek out, of the travelling we’ll do.
I am grateful and excited that I get to marry this man one day. We haven’t set a date yet. I need an income and we need to move into our house first. We are hoping for next year. We had originally hoped for Spring, but we never imagined it would take this long for me to find work. So we wait. But it doesn’t really matter when a wedding happens. I don’t need a ring on my finger to know that Eros will keep choosing me and showing up for me. It’s who he is. The Love of My Life.