I recently joined a women’s sexuality discussion group and it’s heartbreaking to hear how much sexiness is equated exclusively with how we look. Fat, cellulite, pimples, hair, wrinkles, stretch marks, scars – these things that are completely normal for aging women – are obstacles to feeling one’s erotic power. That’s not right. It’s not ok with me. There is so much more to sexuality than that. Bodies are literally the very surface of our sex. The erotic is something that resides in our minds, hearts, and souls.
I think one of the greatest gifts one can receive from attending hometown sex positive or kink parties, even as voyeur, is the realization that sexiness has so much more to do with how openly we express ourselves than how we look. Most people want us to claim our sexiness and will respond positively. I know from experience that this is true. Sexiness comes from within and has everything to do with our willingness to be true to who we are. Based on my real world experiences, most men (and women) are not as obsessed with the perfection of bodies as we are made to believe by our culture (and the few that are don’t matter). And nobody is paying as close attention to each of our so-called flaws as we are to our own, most especially if we’re giving them something sexy to enjoy in us.
One of the aspects of the Impropriety Society parties that I loved best was our amateur performances. Regular people were brave enough to get on stage and share their sexuality with us. Some were funny. Some were musical (one of our most popular was a drum solo on three women’s asses). Some were downright sexy (the woman who was 8 months pregnant and did an incredible strip dance). Some were edgy. Most were awesome and even when they weren’t, the crowd was respectful because they admired the bravery it took to try.
What I observed at parties is that the aspect of sexiness that is most deeply responded to is the expression, not the package it comes in. A woman of any size or shape who is on a spanking bench offering her ass to her partner with zeal is damn sexy. Any woman who lets herself get lost in her erotic power on the dance floor is damn sexy. Any woman laced into a corset, because corsets have the power to lift us up energetically as well as physically, is damn sexy. When a woman is in her erotic power, very few are looking at her wrinkles or her stretch marks. It’s actually the vulnerability we find most attractive. This is the thing we have backwards in our minds. We fear being vulnerable because we think something about us is undesirable/unlovable, but it is our vulnerability that makes us most desirable and connects us most deeply to others.
I know because I experimented with being vulnerable on purpose in order to break out of my own shell. I am fairly average looking, 5’9″, 250 lbs, droopy breasts from nursing three children, and covered in stretch marks, as well as hair because I have too much testosterone in my body from PCOS and I am too sensitive to removal from the knees up. I dressed in very revealing lingerie that I felt sexy in, or sometimes went nude during scenes, and every single person I ever interacted with was positive about my body. I sometimes even had enough awareness to notice people watching my scenes, or my dancing, and recognize that I was being appreciated for what I was sharing. People always reflected the best of me back to myself. I was flirted with, kissed, cuddled, and played with by many, some I was astounded by because they were beyond beautiful to my eyes and I couldn’t believe I was desirable to them.
I know vulnerability is most attractive because when I would be with groups of people talking about what they saw at a party, it was always the people who were really open that were most popular, not the ones that were traditionally beautiful. The furries who came in full costume were constantly surrounded by people on the dance floor rather than ostracized for being weird. The 80 year old man who came in hilarious revealing costumes was appreciated for his humor rather judged for his multitudes of wrinkles. I always heard compliments, never put downs, about women’s sexy outfits no matter what size or shape they were. I witnessed very large people, super skinny people, aging people, disabled people, trans people, awkward people, and people with every possible fetish find their sexiness in community. It was very rare that someone didn’t find their place, and it was always due to some combination of insecurity and difficulty understanding appropriate boundaries. I witnessed some of those who came to us timid and awkward, some at first even considered creepy, transform into powerful erotic beings that took our breath away.
All of this is to say please know and trust that it’s your erotic power and vulnerability you need to work with rather than your body to find your sexy. This is where role models can be really helpful, especially if you can’t go to in person events for whatever reason. There are a lot of sex positive leaders on FB and the interwebs at large who are big, bold, and brave about their sexuality that could show you this power in action.