What a Strange Year It’s Been

Hypnagogic Memory by Louis Dyer
Hypnagogic Memory by Louis Dyer

In the most important and deepest heart ways this has been one of the best and happiest years of my life. Between strengthening the relationship I have with Eros and sharing a home with the Mamas and our son, my deepest needs for love, partnership, and belonging are being met. For the first time in my life I don’t feel like I’m operating from emotional deficit because I’m giving far more than I’m receiving.

After 23 years of doing everything mostly on my own, and giving all of myself to support other people, 2014 is the year I was utterly and completely supported. Someone else provided my home and my meals and my warmth and my entertainment and my very expensive medication, and every other aspect of my existence. Instead of doing it all on my own, three people co-parent with me, partner in life with me, and support me in finally making my own dreams come true.

And yet it was also a lonely year, moving from my hometown of 22 years to a new state and city, moving away from nearly everyone and everything I know and love. Even moving away from my partner for six months. I spent a lot of time alone and bored. But now I see how there was healing and growth that happened in that quiet time.

I was also lonely because at the same time I’m deeply drawn to building community, and even know that it’s the next big thing I am creating in my life as art, I haven’t been reaching out to try because I’m afraid. So many woundings from the previous 5 years still needed time to be processed and healed. Now I can feel that it’s time to leave the fear and heartache behind.

This year was also hard because money is tight and I am still looking for employment after 8 months of resumes and interviews. I’ve learned to happily live simply (making dreams of a non-consumer-oriented, tiny home life totally viable!) and I’ve felt big shame for “failing” to get a job. I haven’t really failed before. This is new and deeply uncomfortable territory for me. Although, yesterday I applied for a dream job, one deeply related to community building. I believe it’s a good omen for the new year that a dream job showed up just after weeks of only finding so-so jobs on the boards. Whether I get this one or another, I know there are amazing options out there and it’s really all about finding the right fit.

With the new year the family is working together to be more conscious and intentful about managing our finances and our home. I am also introducing five Guidelines of Cooperation that I picked up from an intentional living community that I believe will guide us in healthy communication and relating.

My Word of the Year 2015 is Community. I desire for community to guide every choice that I make this year. When I was inspired with this word, I recognized immediately what it is I need to leave behind as I move into a new year of life.  Fear regarding building new relationships and community. I have a friend who says that she knows she’s found her word when it makes her want to throw up. Because I can see the fear and shame I need to illuminate and transform, I know that this will be an intense journey and demand a new sort of courageousness. So much of my courage has come from necessity – surviving violence and oppression, raising children alone, moving forward in my career to better support my children, etc. Now I have to be courageous to claim the life I most deeply desire. I could choose to stay where I am in my professional and personal development and have a content life for awhile. Or I could step out of my comfort zone into the big visions I imagine of creating connection and leading the development of resilient communities.

If you know me at all you know what I’m going to choose. I always choose the adventure. I can’t help it. No matter how my life transforms with each new year, I remain committed to living a Radical Life, as if it is a work of Art or a Dance with the Divine.

New Year Blessing

If you are in the dark, may you see the light.
If you are lost, may you find your path.
If you are silent, may you speak your deepest truths.
If you are afraid, may you know your capacity for courage.
If you are confused, may you know your heart’s longing.
If you are alone, may you know connection.
If you feel unloved, may you know that I love you,
and I believe other unseen souls in our world do, too.

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