I cannot say that it’s a happy new year. Nor am I hopeful about what it holds. There is too much pain and uncertainty for me to trust in any possible happy ending right now.
I keep wanting to write about a situation that’s left me reeling in stormy waves of shock and despair, interspersed with moments of tremendous grace and connection. I want to keep telling my story as I always do, to process and heal through public writing like I always have. But when I am clear-headed I know deep down that I am too raw, and triggered too often, to be certain that I’ll maintain my integrity.
So I am withdrawing from the online world for a bit. I don’t know how long. Could be a week, could be a month, or more. I am learning to follow my heart again so I will listen for it’s guidance. Right now it says retreat. To take self love further than I ever have before. To hold safe space for myself and my big emotions about all that’s unfolded in the past three years. To focus on keeping my pain from hurting those closest to me. Pain and fear has done enough damage.
When I come back I’ll have much to say about this being human and how to navigate the darkest places of the heart and mind together. Until then, thank you for all the ways you shine light in my life. Thank you for your witness and letting me know there is a community for me to come back to after this heroine’s journey. It is because of your grace that I am not needy for validation or commiseration. I know I am held in deep love, generosity and compassion. Strangely, though the rug has been pulled out from under me, I am feeling more supported than I ever have before. I love you.