What resilience looks like in motion – two days ago I was involuntarily terminated from one of my jobs and it freaked me out on several levels and I let myself have and express all the feels. I’ve learned that allowing myself to do this helps me move through the hard feels and move into grace and meaning. I call bullshit on the idea that expressing our hard things is playing the victim card or seeking pity. I think it’s being real when it’s an immediate reaction to difficult or traumatic circumstances, as long as it doesn’t become a long-term story and we don’t harm others. For me, writing and sharing from my hard places helps me process and move through. Knowing I am witnessed helps me feel better and I’m pretty sure that’s a common human thing.
Anyway – this morning I reworked our budget for the summer with the new circumstances and discovered we are not broke and we will not be subsisting on rice and beans. With this discovery I realized that while I may not get the wedding I want in Humboldt in August*, or some of the material items we hoped for, I can consider staying with a part-time job mostly from home so that I can start writing my books and work toward ways of making income working for myself. I don’t have to wait until Eros gets promoted to driver (hopefully next year). I don’t have to stress about finding a new job with leaders that could be just as awful as the last ones. I can have what I’ve been saying I desire for the past couple years – the space to create, to shift to the life of writer, artist and community builder.
Getting fired is a big blessing in disguise, more stripping down that needed to happen. I had a story that I had to work full time until something changed in my partner’s career. I had a story that my creative life was still something out of reach. Now I know that story is not true. The only obstacle to my creative life is myself – my will, my resistance, my insecurity, my stories. I have the time I said I needed, there are no more excuses.
Funny that the same morning I was let go, I read a Medium article about the benefits of writing 1000 words a day. At that rate I could write a first draft of a book in a couple of months.
*Eros and I are doing a courthouse wedding later this month so that I can get health benefits through UPS – a necessity to manage Fibro without a significant hit to my quality of life. Not as romantic as what we were planning, but marrying him is what I want most in this world. Friends and pretty outfits and rings and a fire circle can wait – it’s the commitment, the bond, the promise that we are doing Life together that matters most.