I am over the moon grateful for the people in my life who reflect my goodness back to me, who remind me that I have value and I bring value, and that I am more than a glorified secretary who deserves to be treated with respect. Over the past two days I have had coworkers, dear friends, and others reach out to tell me their truth about me and it is beautiful. I am grateful for those who see the gift in my openness, vulnerability, and truth telling. I seem to have been born with a propensity to face and tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable or painful. I don’t know how to play “the game” and I don’t want to. Perhaps this is what truly makes me a Radical Mystic. It is only through the truth that we can find true connection/intimacy, as well as real solutions to the challenges of our lives, both personal and societal. And yet this seems to make me a strange creature in the world of humans. I have lost my birth son, tribe and jobs, lost almost everything for telling the truth rather than quietly accepting tremendous disrespect through neglect, belittling, bullying, insults, dishonesty, gaslighting, etc.
I was fired yesterday by one of my employers for telling the truth about my experience, after my supervisor looked me in the eye and said she wouldn’t fire me. I worked for an organization that claims to be about inclusion, but gradually pushed me out of any meaningful engagement as a staff member and never once tried to have a conversation with me about increasing my value when I told them I was underemployed in my second month on the job. They just turned down every offer I made to increase my value and then took more and more of the existing job away, until they cut me to half time and I had to find another job to supplement. What kind of community building organization denies a staff member with significant community building experience any opportunity to bring that knowledge to the table? What kind of nonprofit leadership outright denies a staff member the opportunity to bring more value, then asks why they’re not more engaged, and then terminates them when they honestly answer the question? My supervisor forgot to acknowledge my existence and contribution by having check in meetings with me for five months, but somehow I am the problem?
I am incredibly confused and heartbroken. I keep paying price for having integrity and for being honest about my experience, even though I have always been willing to come to the table to find forgiveness, understanding and solutions. All I ask is that people meet me at the table. Instead I am losing my health benefits, which means losing the medication I need to manage my chronic illness. I have to cancel our wedding plans because we can’t afford anything beyond survival. I can’t support my adult children who are both in the midst of transition in their own lives/careers. Losing this job before finding another is another trauma, heaped on top of all the others. Why do I keep being traumatized for being real?
I just want to find my place, my belonging – a place to work and a friendship community that aren’t going to traumatize me over and over again.