A Body At War

People talk about how hard it is to love the way our bodies look and how we need to find acceptance, love, or at least neutrality about our appearance. But no one talks about how hard it is to love your body when it betrays you every day with pain.

I loved my body for a long time despite the fat and cellulite and stretch marks. I loved that it gave me 3 amazing babies. I loved that it took me to ecstatic places. I loved touch as a form of showing care for people I adore. I’ve been neutral about my appearance since my early 20’s, but I loved how it felt to be in my body, to experience life through this highly sensitive and erotic vehicle.

Now I am hating my body because of pain. I don’t want to be in it. I hate the lack of control over my symptoms no matter what I do to try to manage them. I hate that my body doesn’t react the same as most others to medicines and supplements so that I am not finding relief where others say they find it. I hate that I’ve cancelled every commitment the last two weeks and can’t maintain relationships beyond family. I hate that pain is making working full-time nearly impossible. I hate that I have to ask for my doctor’s and employer’s permission to take *unpaid* time off despite the fact I am getting the work done in less hours (and they don’t like to have part-time employees). I hate that my health has become the number three expense in our lives after rent and food. I hate that I now have to choose between immediate relief and long-term healing because I can’t afford both.

Today I hate my body because I feel betrayed. I try everything I am advised to try and only find minimal relief. My body refuses to cooperate. I am beginning to feel like we are at war, except my battle plans involve inviting my body to feel good. Or at least neutral. Forget ecstatic, I would give almost anything just to feel neutral again.

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