I discovered recently that even though I’ve had an eclectic spiritual life, I was ultimately committed to a theology of suffering, born from the idea that I was the reason Jesus died on the cross (because they told us he would have died for just one person). I perceived his suffering as the ultimate act of generosity. Even though I left Christianity in my early 20s, I eventually took the idea to the extreme and called myself a masochist for god shortly before the pregnancy that sparked my dark night of the soul. I am a physical and emotional masochist in the world of kink, which has been good for my self awareness and expression. But I see now that this perception of sacrificing myself to emotional pain in order to evolve for and/or toward something called god was harmful and caused me to make choices that were traumatizing.
This is part of my crisis of faith. If I no longer believe in a theology of suffering and any kind of external divinity, then what do I believe in? I think I’m settling into a theology of self and relational awareness and devoting myself to the god-between-us. This has really been my deep work all along – evolving from a child with an ACES trauma score of 7 and all the implied consequences, to a self aware human who can move in the world with grace. My primary spiritual practices at this time are deepening my understanding of relationship by learning how to stop violating other people’s sovereignty and nurturing interdependent intimacy in relationships, as well as gifting handmade talismans to people through the Conspiracy of Blessings.
Settling into this new idea of a spiritual life brings is good for my soul. I was missing my deep connection to force of Life.