I am challenged by writing this post and so it’s two days late in the December Reflections 2017 calendar. I wrote and printed the above love note to myself and posted it under my business white board as a daily reminder.
I am consistently challenged by trusting in the transition from working a regular job to creating a business out of thin air.
I am struggling to muster up the commitment to do my work that I had when I was doing tasks for someone else and getting paid decent money for it. I’m not getting paid yet. I have to do the work with no guarantee of getting paid in order to potentially attract people to pay me for my gifts, whether clients or a publisher.
I am flailing as my devotion and my motivation seem to be avoiding each other or meeting up sporadically rather than gracefully dancing me forward.
I know I am not taking myself or this building of a business seriously enough and I don’t know what needs to change in me to treat this work the same way I did my career in non-profits. I believe in this work more than anything I’ve done before and yet…
I have looked it from so many directions these past four months – self sabotage, worthiness, resistance, fear of failure and/or success, fear of being seen, and trust/faith in myself and the work that insists on coming through me. Like really, who am I to have the freedom to follow my soul and sit on my bed all day reading and writing and connecting with spectacular humans? It’s too good to be true, right?
Perhaps it is a puzzle of all these things and more.
I am deeply discouraged by the rules of the algorithm gods and the games I have to play to even be seen by people who’ve already said they like me. I have to stop looking at the numbers! My numbers, your numbers, the people with big numbers. 20 likes vs 60 likes vs 2000 likes. It’s maddening. Do I have to start doing videos? Are my graphics aesthetically inviting? Do I need to offer a freebie to get people to join my mailing list? Is what I’m saying useful?
I am also discouraged by my lack of success in building stronger relationships with new people despite my varied attempts to come out of my shell this year. This working from home is so damn lonely when you don’t have days full of client interactions.
I have bursts of movement and then I contract. I feel aimless at least as often as I feel the fire to create.
The oracles I go to are telling me to trust – to devote myself to the work that is my medicine to share, express myself in the ways that feel natural and coherent, and let the rest fall out as it may – to trust that the work is needed.
To trust that I am bringing my medicine into the world. To trust that I matter and my medicine matters.
Perhaps I am challenged to trust because I lost faith in everything, including myself, and so while I have been building trust in myself on a personal level, I need to actively build trust again in myself as a professional, in the Universe, and in community.
Maybe my 2018 word of the year should be trust.