Ten Years Ago – I was on the brink of a year of tremendous life changes. It was a brilliant and brutal year to come. I believe it was this month ten years ago that I ended my first marriage, or I had just done so, and then he refused to move out of the house for several more months so home life was challenging.
In January I would join my two partners in heading up The Impropriety Society and we would produce our first sex positive party, Cherries Jubilee, in May. I also met my Beloved at this time, as they became our head of music, although we wouldn’t get together till 3 years later. The party was stunning. We knew how to create beautiful spaces. And it was exciting because all the volunteers were falling in love with each other and so there was an abundance of flirting and affection. I played my first (and only) game of the Spin the Bottle, with a set of dice that suggested above-the-waist sexy things to do with your partner, and I felt like I won because the bottle kept stopping on me so I got to play with everyone. Then our staff party two weeks later was magical with kissing circles and cuddle puddles and we were so high on the freedom and love we were sharing.
I started dating as a polyamorous single woman, so my social life and sexual expression was off the hook after 8 years of monogamy and little kink. I learned how there are many kinds of chemistry so that I had cuddling friends, kissing friends, a hot gay man friend who loved to make out with certain women of which I was lucky to be included, BDSM play partners, and lovers. I learned that nearly everyone is hungry for touch and permission to be affectionate and that cuddle puddles are medicine. I learned that I didn’t have to be a “beautiful person” by society’s standards in order to have a rich dating life and that plenty of people liked my transgressive comfort with my fat body. In June my son graduated from high school and I would see my mom for the last time. She died two months later.
I was laid off from one job and hired for another just a few days before mom died. And then I came down with a systemic case of poison oak that lasted six weeks after I came home from handling my mom’s death business. Watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel got me through those isolated and grief ridden weeks. My sweet and funny office mate would become my surrogate mom in ways while I worked with her.
The same month my mom died my son left for college on the other side of the country. And then my ex-husband finally moved out so my teen daughter and I were living on our own.
Ten years ago I had no idea I was on the brink of everything changing. Finally ending my unhappy marriage was a big step in taking charge of my life. My mom’s death set off an intense grief and healing process that took years. And The Imps transformed me in more ways than I could describe over the five years we created events and lived life together. I experienced deep love and deep hurt with my partners, friends, lovers, and the greater community. And because of the Imps I now have my Beloved, my birth son, and my adoption triad (the adoptive mom was one of my producing partners).
Wow. That woman ten years ago. She had no idea what it would take to liberate herself from generations of trauma. She had no idea the soaring highs and the on-her-knees lows that she would need to finally see her inherent worth as a human. She knew healthy, loving partnership was possible, but she had no idea the journey required to eventually create it with the hot goth DJ she felt a spark with the moment they met.
I have to admit, I hope the next 10 years are gentler. I hope I’m on the brink of creating a new career. I hope I’m on the brink of finding/creating community again. I hope my marriage remains vibrant.
#decemberreflections2017
