Devotion. Since losing my faith 5 years ago I have been asking again and again – what am I devoted to now, other than my own healing? It’s as if I was an almost completed puzzle that was thrown back in the box and I had to start piecing myself together all over again without the god and mothering pieces that held center for so long.

I am devoted to myself and my precious little life. To being my own guru and my own savior. Liberation in every dimension of being. Beauty. Creativity. Self expression. Turning my insides into art. Following the threads that make my soul sing. Living my medicine. Honoring the medicine that others offer. Loving well. Being in right relationship with the magic of life and the world around me. My Beloveds.

The question that I am wrestling with is whether this is enough? Or should I also return to my devotion for community, leadership, and social justice work? If I gave almost my whole life to my children and my community for 25 years, is it selfish to focus on myself for 5 years or more? Is it selfish now that I am no longer lost in the fog of grief? Is it ok to return to “being of use” on my own terms? Is art and writing of enough use? Is it enough to come back from the darkness and share the stories of what I learned about love or am I supposed to teach:consult:mentor:lead? Can I/should I sell the wisdom I found?

Is following the song of my soul of use to anyone other than me and does it matter? Why do I honor the significance of the soul song of others and yet assume my contribution has to look a certain way to be valuable? And why do I feel such a responsibility to the rest of humanity in the first place? Is this mine or was it put on me somehow or is it some combination of nature and nurture? Did the sacrifice they said Jesus made for me and the guilt I took on for being a sinner make me feel responsible? Or growing up a woman in this culture? Or working in white saviorist nonprofits for so long? Or being inundated with messages that we all have to change the world? How do I untangle this mess to find my liberation from what is not mine?

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