In this midlife quest:crisis it is the constantly shifting yet rooted truth of the land I live on that keeps me grounded. The beauty of creeklife keep me from losing myself completely in the cycles of existential angst, directionlessness, and worthlessness that invade some of my days. And in staying grounded in this way I am able to recognise that there is a hormonal influence behind the darkness that needs to be honored (hello perimenopause), as well as a dark belief about my dignity that needs to be released.
It is coming to my awareness that being raised by parents and community to believe that everything true about me is an affront to their version of god is the source of my sense of inherent worthlessness. Despite my shifting sense of god and spirituality these past 25 years, it seems I’ve subconsciously taken hold of the idea that if I don’t matter to god because of who I love and how I live, then I must not matter to most everyone. And even if I do matter, I don’t matter deeply and am easily discarded. It’s hard for me to imagine:see that my absence matters, that I would be missed, or that I can hurt loved ones by withdrawing into myself.
Over the years I found power and identity in being the rebel and owning my transgressive nature publicly. But now that I am shining the light on the deepest pain inside of me, I can see that my sense of empowerment was shallow and groundless. If I don’t believe I belong anywhere because I am so objectionable that I offend god and family, then how can I build my foundation on solid ground or know a sense of rootedness?
At the moment it is through my marriage, where I feel the deepest belonging I’ve ever known, and then connecting to the literal ground around me and the life that emerges from it. I hope that in illuminating these old beliefs that I will liberate myself and finally know my own dignity as fiercely as I regard everyone else’s.