5th Story of Transgression: Discovering My Clit

My first true transgression was masturbation. When I was 9 or 10 a neighbor friend I had sleepovers with taught me how to rub myself to pleasure while wearing a puppet on my hand over my panties. Apparently she needed some distance to feel comfortable with the act. When alone I immediately got rid of the accessories and became fascinated with how my vulva felt against my fingertips. I’ve been having a love affair with my own body ever since, no matter my relationship status.

I see now how being transgressive and sex positive sparked the moment I discovered sexual pleasure. Touching myself felt right so I didn’t care if I was sinning or defying my role as the good Christian girl; or supposedly too young to be expressing any sexuality whatsoever (I believe humans are sexual to some extent from birth).

I never actually struggled with being a rebel. It was vital for me to be true to myself. It’s the way I’m wired. I accepted the consequences of rebellion, including exclusion from belonging in my church, my schools, my home, and really everywhere. Toni Morrison’s idea that resistance is the secret of joy resonates strongly with me. I am not rebellious to be defiant, I resist conforming because it brings me joy to be real and free and me.

Somehow I never doubted my belonging with god. I just couldn’t believe in a god that punishes us for being human. A loving god who sent people to hell for eternity didn’t make intuitive sense to me and following my intuition is another part of my transgressive nature. While I am intellectual and rational, I am also deeply intuitive and strive to listen to the song of my soul.

White supremacist patriarchy doesn’t want us listening to our souls because then we don’t give it authority over our lives. Taking authority of our lives, internally and externally, is the revolution. And so this is why Transgressive woman is my work, because it is how I live resistance.

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