It all started with lesbian vampire erotica when I was 19. I’d been reading erotica for a couple years, I was a budding bisexual, and I loved vampire literature, so these short story collections that came out in the early 90s were perfect for me. Just as I had noticed how I felt when I read my first lesbian scenes, I noticed that certain scenes involving power play turned me on and it was always the bottom that I identified with. It wasn’t long after that I met my first kinky lover, Skippy.
He introduced me to bondage and allowed me to explore his collection of bondage porn where women were wrapped from head to toe in saran wrap. Though my own desires were not so extreme, I did (do) have a fascination with the extreme. I like witnessing how people express themselves when they feel completely free (several of my transgressions are of this nature). He was also the first male bodied person I knew who liked to wear women’s things. I was one of few that he openly shared this part of himself with. He was a beautiful and sweet man, but he struggled with his appetites and sadly died of auto asphyxiation a few years later.
I, on the other hand, did not struggle with my desires as they blossomed. What I did struggle with was finding people to explore with in a rural area. It would be another few years before I’d find other lovers to play with. Over time I learned I am a service submissive who finds great joy in serving my partner, as well as a physical masochist who finds pleasure in some kinds of pain, particularly single tail whips and shiny sharp things. I won’t play with just anyone. As an empath it’s an intense energetic intimacy that requires trust, so I only play with people I know and feel affection for.
Now the pain in my body keeps me from playing the way I used to. In my 20s masochism was a way that I found healing and empowerment after assault, processed my big emotions, and experienced beautiful altered states of consciousness. I don’t need any of those things anymore, but I still enjoy submission and occasional light play with my partner, especially when they can take me to The Forever Place.