After my initial dalliance with Bob my freshman year, I nearly lost my virginity to another boy from the church youth group. He believed we had sex, but he never actually made it inside.
Chad was a tall man-boy with bad posture. He stood hunched over, like he was trying to make himself smaller. He was a light brown man-boy with a broad nose and pitch black hair. I developed a crush on him and eventually found myself in a Sunday School room kissing him (our church was a hotbed of youthful indiscretions on Wednesday nights). He was not a good kisser. He just sort of stuck his stiff tongue in my mouth. But that didn’t deter me. I was a girl desperate to be seen and loved. I (always) took what I could get.
Soon after he asked me to go to a friend’s house with him during lunch. He took me to a bedroom and wasn’t very verbal but made his desires known. He had me strip down naked, but he kept his shirt on. I laid down and he humped the crevice between my thighs, then he had me suck him off. It was my first blowjob. I still have a visceral reaction to the memory of how it felt and tasted when he came in my mouth. It was hot, salty, and made me gag. It would be many years before I would willingly give a blowjob again.
We were on a time limit so we quickly dressed and went back to school. He asked if we could meet up again and I said yes.
The next morning he was on the front lawn with a circle of at least 10 boys and they all watched as I walked by. It was obvious he told them everything. Later I would find out he had two friends watching us through the window. He wasn’t interested in me, he was interested in using my feelings for him to get laid. He wanted to use my body for his own and other boys’ pleasure. It was the first time I experienced objectification and public humiliation. I felt used, betrayed, and ashamed. It had never occurred to me that a quiet, awkward, Christian man-boy would turn out to be a predator. Unfortunately I would remain naive to predation for years to come.
Image: my freshman year school picture